heartsick.

sometimes i get so mad at myself for not having a naturally good heart. in fact, people who seem good and happy and perfect all the time annoy the heck out of me. and that makes me feel even worse in my own heart. the truth is, i have a lot to be angry about. a lot that builds me up to hate, cry, throw tantrums, and keeps me from living the right way.

even though i'm a christian, i don't believe this is all just washed away. yes, Jesus saved me; yes, He can renew me. but i am still working every single day to not let fear and anger and little bits of bitterness take over. i wish i could be one of those girls who is happy all the time no matter what, but that's not who God made me to be. i've been carrying a lot around with me that isn't so great, and it comes out in the worst ways at the worst times. i know that i am the only one who can prevent that from happening. sometimes it happens before i can stop it. but to be mindful of it is half the battle.

"this is what the Lord Almighty says: 'in a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. I will shake all the nations, and the desired of the nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory,' says the Lord Almighty... 'the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord Almighty."

haggai 2:6-7

i feel like this house being shaken. i feel like He is shaking me up only to make me better. i feel like He wants my future glory to be so much greater than it is right this second. and more than anything, i want Him to grant me peace. but first...

i must let my heartsick self be shaken.

xo