Thursday, March 10, 2011

starting today...

I’ve been struggling to find the beauty in myself this week. I feel like that concept is so beyond me.
This is what my life looks like right now:
1. A daily comparison of myself to my roommate and other friends
2. Telling people I love being single even though I don’t 70% of the time
3. Feeling exasperated about working out. And binge eating slightly.
4. Feeling discouraged about my body all the time.
5. I’m longing to do missions work again.
6. Not having enough time with my best friend ever.
7. Feeling like I never have enough money. I always want more.
8. 10 hours of work at the Coast Guard per day, leaving me tired (even though I love it).
9. Working for Fusion, leaving me stressed out a little
10. Negative thoughts and judgment a lot of the time.
This is what I want my life to look like:
1. Pure happiness no matter how Satan wants me to feel about myself.
2. Self-control to work out, eat right, and not compromise that.
3. Waking up joyful to start my days and be grateful to do work that I really love.
4. Not putting so much pressure on myself.
5. Not spending money carelessly or caring too much about having it.
6. Continuing to support international/local missions, maybe even going on a trip again.
7. Gaining more of a servant’s heart and stopping my selfishness.
8. Taking judgment out of my nature and loving people regardless of who they are and if I know them.
9. Being healthy in mind, body and spirit.
10. JESUS.
I’ve caught myself turning into a person that I don’t want to be. Some of “past me” is creeping back and I don’t want it. But God has this amazing ability to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together into a puzzle that only He knows and can create. My blessings have been ultimate; the Lord has answered my prayers for everything that I was asking for a year ago: my job, living with my best friend, income to support myself, etc. Yet I’m still so caught up in what I don’t have. I do embrace my single life as much as I can; I enjoy living on my own time and only having to worry about ME, but no one wants to be alone forever. I have a job that pays me more than enough to afford rent, bills, food, and clothes; yet I want more so I can do whatever I want at any time I want, no matter the price. (Isn’t that selfish? I do this even as I know the Bible preaches ridding yourself of love of money.) I’ve been at my wonderful job at the Coast Guard for 10 months, and am now Worship Director for my church; yet I get tired of the little work that I do and I want to quit sometimes. (The Bible also preaches against laziness and idleness.)  Most of who I am right now defies what I claim to believe. I have been living as a hypocrite, and while some might say that these things aren’t the worst in the world, I see them as parts of me that I want to get rid of forever. I want them to disappear and not come back, because they are interfering with how I live and view my worth. Outwardly, you probably don’t notice these things about me. But I live with them every day and this week has made me realize just how much I need to change.
Even though I’m having trouble seeing the beauty in myself, the beauty of the Lord is that He never stops trying to bring me back to Him. He knows when I’m doing wrong and sinning, but He never condemns me for the mistakes I make. He has the ability to refine me like silver through fire, but I need to let myself be refined. My stubbornness and resistance to God is so strong sometimes, and that keeps me from Him. But at this point, there’s no greater justice I could do myself than to turn myself over to the hands of my Savior... starting today.

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