Friday, October 29, 2010

fridays off are lovely & DAY 4 - FORGIVENESS [part 2]

today i am feeling super proud of myself. not only did i go running for the first time in a few months (yikes), i did a yoga workout with jillian michaels. JILLIAN MICHAELS. she is tough but so good at whipping people into shape! i did most of the workout and having never been a yoga person, i just thought that was something noteworthy. :)

also, today's post is Day 4 of the "30 days of truth."

something you have to forgive someone for.

this is a tough one. it's hard to admit things in the blog world because it's a crazy idea to think of strangers reading your personal thoughts. but one of the reasons why i decided to do this 30 day experiment was so i could be honest with myself and grow as a person. that's already happening and it can only get better, even through painful posts such as this one.

growing up, my family seemed fine on the outside. to everyone else, we were normal with a big house, two parents, a dog, my brother, sister, and me. but what everyone doesn't know is that to this day, i don't have a single memory of seeing my parents love each other. not one. (they're divorced now, by the way.) my parents, while they were great at providing for us kids financially, struggled bit with the emotional part.

#1- my dad.
my dad does not tell us he loves us. he doesn't know how to be an outwardly loving father, and i don't think that's his fault necessarily, but it was hard to watch my sister grow up begging for him to hug her before bedtime. he's great with babies and little children, but it's almost like once you get out of that stage, you're done getting loved on. and that has been a hard thing to deal with. he's also wickedly stubborn and will never admit he's wrong. he blames everyone else for his mistakes. it's very hard to watch him claim to be a Christian. while nobody's perfect, he is certainly not following Jesus, even though he has gone to church every Sunday since i was born. i guess i have to forgive him for making me feel unloved and a myriad of other things.

#2- my mom.
my mother was a stay at home mom from the time i was born til my sister went to middle/high school. she was there for us before and after school, giving us snacks, making dinner every night, being an caring mom and watching over us. that part was good. but she had major anger management issues as i was growing up. i was a really good kid; i never did anything very wrong and i never got into trouble besides a few little kid things. but despite that, my mom's anger would get out of control and she would beat my brother and sister and i with one of my dad's belts. (hard.) looking back, i do think this was some form of abuse. it was never bad enough to put me in the hospital or anything like that, but it was still very wrong. i definitely had bruises and marks from her fingernails. besides the physical part of it, she would scream at us like no one i've ever heard before. i'm 24 years old and if she were to still use that tone of voice around me, i would cry. all of this has stemmed from her bad relationship with my father and others, and i get that. i just hate that she took it out on us kids because it has been very hard to look past it in my adult life. i still need to forgive her for creating that environment in our house.

i've been struggling to understand/forgive my parents for years, and maybe i can finally figure out how to deal with it.

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