not perfect.

[i just like this picture. unrelated to this post.]

can we be real for a minute? all the pressure i've been putting on myself is finally catching up with me. most of it comes from being in charge of worship at my church. i have a vision for it, and i know what i want my band/the music to look like in the coming years. all of this takes a long time since we 're a church plant. lately, i have had little patience. little patience for people, little patience for figuring out the right songs, little patience for putting all of it together, little patience for myself. and at first i thought it would pass like bad moods & attitudes often do. but then i kept feeling it come back and weigh on me even heavier.

the bottom line is that i put too much pressure on myself to be perfect.

we weren't made to be perfect, after all. i can dream all day about putting together the perfect band with perfect people and perfect songs every single sunday. but Jesus often teaches through the flaws. He makes me learn from my mistakes. He counteracts even the worst in me. and He has put me in the position i'm in so that i can serve my church and worship Him above all other things. all the time i spend getting frustrated with planning and not seeing my vision come to life in the time i want is wasted on Him. because i don't believe He cares about any of that. all He wants is for me to be a faithful servant and to do my part to lead my church in worship. what that looks like is in His timing and not my own.

i've been so stuck for a couple of months.. just questioning everything. should i be here? should i even be doing this? am i failing at it? am i making my congregation happy? is this worth all the stress i feel? when will it get better?

i think the answers to these questions are better left coming from Him.

"i will go before you and will level the mountains,
i will break down the gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.
i will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored up in secret places,
so that you may know that i am the Lord, the God of Israel,
who summons you by name." - isaiah 45:2-3