Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Journal Day.

danielle over at Something Sweet has been blogging about an awesome project -- she hands out a journal topic, and her readers get to write about it and re-post it to her site. first of all, i love reading this girl's blog. she's awesome. enough said.. check her out! :)

this journal topic is kind of far from lighthearted.. but i feel like there are people out there who might need to write about this. to get something out of their system or just feel better about the person they are today. here it is:

if you had a free pass to go back and change anything in your past, with the promise that it would only affect you positively, would you do it? And if so, what would you change?

the answer i'm going to give is a fairly common one: growing up. outwardly, my life was great. i had two parents, a brother, a sister, and a dog. a nice, big house that we built when i was five with lots of land. i went to some of the best public schools in maryland. i went to church every sunday. it was pretty much an all-american deal. but on the inside, my parents hated each other. i was often verbally and sometimes physically abused. my mom had anger management problems. the cops were called to my house multiple times. the memories of screaming fights will never leave my mind. eventually, my parents divorced. by that time, i was high school and i was relieved. that was such a weird thing to tell people. i was happy my parents were divorced-- and i don't think that's a normal reaction. but i don't have a single memory of my parents loving each other, and i was ready for it all to be over. it made me a depressed and angry high schooler. i would lock myself in my room because i was terrified when the yelling started. my grades dropped and i praise the Lord every day i even got into college.

the funny thing is, it was after the fact that i realized how bad it was. in the midst of it, i was stronger than i believed myself to be. i definitely reacted in my own way (i had an addiction to cursing, bad grades, horrible attitudes), but i turned out all right. college changed me for the better and i was back to being a happy kid. my emotions were super out of whack during my college years, but i've since grown out of that too in my adulthood. sometimes i just wish i could change the way i grew up because more than anything else, i'm scared that it inhibits my ability to have lasting relationships and will prevent me from getting married one day. that sounds ridiculous when i write it out. but not being able to remember an example of love through your parent's marriage is a hard thing. it changes you. it makes you wonder if you are even capable of a healthy relationship happening to you.

i would definitely go back and change the past if i could-- having two parents who are still together and love each other is such a foreign concept to me. i'm jealous of my friends that have that. and it would make my family unit closer in general. to me, my friends are my family, just not by blood. and i'm grateful to at least have that.


1 comment:

Danielle said...

Oh girl I can only imagine how hard that must have been- but how remarkable and amazing that you have come out on the other side, a super strong woman! It's hard to think about how things would be different, but I always have to remind myself that all of this made me who I am today. It's so hard. Anyway, I'm off on a tangent. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. So much love!