Sunday, May 15, 2011

let's be real.

midnight moment of honesty. i've kind of been in the midst of a quarter-life crisis for a couple months now. i don't know if i want to stay at my job which i like but don't love, and there are risks that come with stepping out of that. i feel pain every time i listen to/see one of my favorite musicians because that's all i want to be doing. i write a lot of music and i don't take it anywhere. i spend money on useless things, and then i'm hurting for it later.

here's what happened today. first, i spent the day on the eastern shore with some of my college girlfriends. we met at my friend alicia's house because she just had a beautiful baby boy. i loved chatting with my friends and catching up, feeding baby daniel and cuddling with him, and admiring the simple lifestyle that alicia and her husband are living. it seriously made me question what the heck i'm doing. they live out in the country in a simple, little house that feels so comfortable and homey. they don't need extra things. they don't spend money on things that aren't necessary (mostly because they have a new baby, but still). the whole time we were talking, alicia's husband was outside working on their patio. he makes/fixes/works on all of their household projects, and i find that so good and refreshing because i'd just pay someone to get it done. what i'm trying to say is that this visit was an eye opener for me. i saw how different they way they live is from the way i do. and how much happier they seem than i am. granted, they are married and have a new baby.. a totally different season of life than me. but still, i was refreshed watching their joy come from everything other than things money can buy. they are satisfied in their hard work, caring for their child, and little things like baking cookies (which were so good). and the only thing i could think of was, "why can't i do that? why can't i be that way?"

the other thing that happened was that i discovered a live william fitzsimmons stream from his performance in canada tonight. considering this man's music is the main source of creativity that has been driving me for many past months, i needed to watch it. and seeing him perform again reminded me that this is what makes me happy. writing, recording, singing, guitar, talking shop, meeting musicians.. you name it. this is not something i can make a living off of, i know that. but it's something i don't want to hold back from doing anymore.

maybe the reason i'm going through a so-called quarter-life crisis is that i'm fighting against doing things that will bring me so much more happiness than what i've been doing. it's just easier to go to work for 10.5 hours a day and come home exhausted, only to sit on the couch. it's easier to bid on kate spade items on eBay just because i want to have all her stuff, even if it drains my bank account. it's easier to forget about a budget than to make one and stick with it. basically, i've been so tired and trying to figure out what direction my life is supposed to be heading. i still don't know, but i do know God's guidance never fails and He leads me on.. even through this desert.

thanks for reading.

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