Sunday, May 30, 2010

sometimes it's hard..

i'm not having the best time with an important thing in my life right now. i started out thinking that this difficult time was sure to pass, that after a few months things would go back to normal. well, it's very clear at this point that isn't going to happen. at the same time, i don't feel like it's fair for me to have to go through so much pain to adjust to something that was already painful to begin with. and maybe this is me being selfish.. but trust me, i've tried not to be. i've woken up every day trying to be less of that. and i've tried to be understanding and just accept this for what it is. i've prayed over it countless times and have been pushing it away at all at once, hoping it will fade and things will go back to the way they were. however, that's not the case.

this is all coming down to resistance. if i keep resisting it and having an issue, than things will only get worse. at the same time, what can i do to stop feeling so awful? i don't have an answer for that yet. but i do have this:

"if you are willing and obedient, you will eat from the best in the land; but if you resist and rebel you will be devoured by the sword. for the mouth of the Lord has spoken." - isaiah 1:19-20

of course, this is talking about rebellion against God, not against a single person or situation. but if i resist and rebel in what i'm facing, it will all break down to the same outcome. it will swallow me up. it will devour me and this relationship will die. i'm not there yet, but i feel like i'm on my way. and i've been fighting with everything i have not to get to that point.

i guess i just have to keep fighting, as long as it's worth fighting for.

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