i got a pretty good night's sleep last night but i still don't feel very well. on the plus side, i don't feel extremely ill. just kind of blah, like that couple of days before you get really full-blown sick. so i'm drinking lots of fluids in preparation. maybe it won't show up at all.
last night i was at a friend's party catching up on the college times and i came home really late and tired and not feeling good, but for some reason i couldn't go to sleep until i journaled and read my bible. this was the kind of journaling where i just write and read it back later. and when i re-read it, i was kind of surprised at how abnormally clear my thinking was about life and relationships. here's an excerpt for you, if you don't mind me keeping it real:
"Sometimes my faith just becomes so UNPRODUCTIVE. And as a result of that, my attitude sucks ands I feel burdened. I need to commit to the Lord once a day, if not more. My heart gets weary FAST.. especially in light of not feeling well and my life being crazy, I need my Jesus.
... I'm learning to see more of the good in things instead of how they can hurt me. It's hard for me not to be selfish. I like having reasons for people to be on my side and feel bad for me, but that's a really sad way to live and I'm glad I'm getting past it. So many people are forming relationships before my eyes, and I can't help but wonder, 'WHY NOT ME? When is it going to be my turn?' Then I'm brought back to 1 Peter 5:6- "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up IN DUE TIME." This is my new verse for loneliness. It's by His timing that I'm going to find someone and wait for that person or maybe never even have a husband. And the Bible speaks so often of committing plans to the Lord, and He knows our plans better than we do and His ways are higher than our ways. Trusting God's timing is a really hard thing for me. But even in my greatest pain, my lowest lows and constant despair, He holds me up and makes me see that I have to be obedient and patient. I want to live my life wondering what God wants me to do next, not focusing on what I want God to do next. Because my expectations for my life are probably so out of line with where He actually wants me."
Then I read this verse:
"I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy, but have set my feet in a spacious place."
- psalm 31:7-8
HE KNOWS US. and He can change us.