Tuesday, October 12, 2010

go USA!

okay. taking a break from lists to blog normally. because i woke up way too early and had a giant cup of coffee and am chatting with apple in england. who comes home in exactly 56 days. YES.

today is a lot of things. USA vs. Colombia in PA with my friends.. tailgating, face paint, soccer; what else can you ask for? it's also the day that a lot of good music debuts. states, joshua radin, brooke fraser. go get 'em.

confession time. here has been my life as of late: anxiety, not sleeping well, jealousy, a smidge of suppressed anger and just trying to be completely happy and not always succeeding. things are getting to me. also, it does not help that my neighbors like to do "it" through my walls every other night and that i feel like i can't record my music because i will be too loud. what an unjust world.

don't get me wrong.. i know have a great life. i recognize that. i have the most amazing friends, and i'm constantly busy seeing people which is my favorite thing to do. i have a job that gives me flexibility which i technically shouldn't have. i can work out for free in my office gym but i get too lazy to take advantage of it (that's changing this week). i lead worship for my wonderful church and i am so glad that part of my life still exists after college. my women's bible study just started and it's going to be impactful on my life, i can tell. and as someone once posted in a comment on a previous blogpost of mine, "you have a beautiful life." now why can't i see that? even when it's laid out in front of me, all i feel are things holding me back from it. money; friends getting engaged, married and having babies when i'm not; the small daily complications of being human. good lord i'm a hot mess.

let me just say this: i know Jesus is the one in control of my life. as much as i try to control it myself, nothing i ever do will be able to measure up to what He can do for me and through me. i definitely mess up a lot and forget Him and have to repent for things more than i'd like to admit to you. and even while i'm feeling unsure of what my life holds and sometimes let my emotions run wild, i know that He is what i absolutely need to come back to and cling to. even in death i'm alive. truth above all other truths in this world. i just wish i could express more openly and often the faith that i feel and attempt to live by. i'm a sinner by the world, saved by a great God.


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