Faith is a choice. And I have been choosing to live with little consideration of what is holy or good or right. Not that the things that I do are wrong per se, but they don't have Jesus at the forefront. And maybe that's why I'm constantly fearful and fighting not to be scared of things. Psalm 91 talks about believing that God is my refuge, and under His wings, no harm will come to me. That's a hard thing to grasp. The entry knows I'm weak, and he is preying on me constantly. But my bible says this: "My love for you will protect you physically and emotionally. And when you have discovered this shelter, stay there. You will always be safe if you do what is righteous and speak the truth from your heart."
I can't stop bad things from happening in this life. Horrible events happen every day. But I'm tired of living in fear. And I'm tired of putting Jesus at arm's length rather than by my side. Every day I give up opportunities to be with Jesus or embrace His love with my actions. The truth is that living a worldly life can be more "fun," but it's not safe. It doesn't make me feel secure. It doesn't give me anything to hold on to. Truthfully, my best days have been when I'm clinging to the cross in full assurance that my faith is real and breathing and the best part of me. I want that back.
"we have this hope as an anchor for the soul; firm and secure."
- Hebrews 6:19